Stupid Breakdancing
by Kindali Sidera
Summary: What happens when nobody knows who Voldy is, and he challenges Harry to a dance off to the death? Why, something that not even J.K. could think of, that’s what! Follow Harry and his new partners for the ‘Golden Trio’ as he battles for his life! Oneshot!


Summary: What happens when nobody knows who Voldy is, and he challenges Harry to a dance off to the death? Why, something that not even J.K. could think of, that's what! Follow Harry and his new partners for the 'Golden Trio' as he battles for his life! One-shot!

Warning: This is incredibly funny, as well as stupid. There is also some very, very minor slash. It isn't anything major, just snogging in a headmaster den. If you have even the slightest prejudice against it, then get out of my fan fiction.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter… sadly. I also don't own any of the songs… why don't I own anything?

The trio walked down towards the Forbidden Forest, mentally and physically preparing themselves for what lay ahead. CMC. They never knew what Hagrid would dish out next, so it was always a surprise. Surprisingly, they were the last ones to arrive.

"Well, I guess the whole class is 'ere, follow me!" said Hagrid happily. He led the way into the forest, not noticing that the whole class except Harry, Ron, and Hermione were groaning.

They walked for what seemed like hours. "Hagrid, are we going to be there soon?" asked Hermione after she had gotten up from tripping over a root that seemed to appear when she was already on top of it.

"Almost," came Hagrid's reply.

After a few minutes, the trio noticed something different about Hagrid. It seemed that he had started skipping and was singing the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song under his breath. He also grabbed up whole bushes that had blooming flowers on them as he went. The ground thundered beneath him as his giant feet hit the ground.

"Hagrid," yelled Ron over the rumbling. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"What ever I want him to do." A snake like voice rang throughout the clearing that they had just entered. The students looked around for the mysterious speaker, but saw no one. The mysterious voice seemed to get irritated, especially when Hagrid started belting out the song instead. "Oh crap… this damned wand keeps malfunctioning. It always makes whoever I put on Imperio curse sing that annoying song!"

"I actually like it," said Dean Tomas.

Blaize Zabini rolled his eyes. "Excuse me, but that song is horrible. I agree with the mysterious voice whose owner we cannot see."

"I'm right here, you imbeciles!" The billowing of a cloak was heard and a dark figure fell from the dense tree tops. His red eyes shone against his pale skin.

"Excuse me sir, I hope this doesn't seem rude, but who are you?" asked Harry.

The newcomer just stood, frozen to the spot. "Well," he slightly coughed, "I'm Voldemort, you know, your arch enemy." The blank look remained. "You know, the whole prophecy thing… _'neither can live while the other survives'…_ still don't know?" Harry shook his head. "Um," tried Voldemort, "How about… You-Know-Who, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

"No, I don't know who, and who must not be named?" Harry looked stupidly at the evil man, so did everyone else.

_This must be one of those new teenage trends, lets all look stupid, or be stupid more like, _thought Voldemort. As Voldemort was about to start talking again, he was rudely interrupted by Dumbledore walking cautiously into the clearing.

"Nobody move," whispered Hagrid, who seemed to be rid of the curse. "This is what I wanted to show everyone, the headmaster of Hogwarts in his natural habitat."

Everyone, including The-All-Mighty-Guy-That-Nobody-Knows, watched on as the headmaster walked further into the clearing. He was wearing a hat and robes that were decorated in smiling and waving daisies. He was carrying a small shovel for digging up truffles, and he was sipping tea, his pinky held up in the air. Very slowly, Hagrid reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of lemon drops. Dumbledore sniffed the air, then turned his head towards the huge man. After sniffing for a few more seconds, he slowly walked up to Hagrid, and grabbed the candies, stuffing them into his mouth.

Shaking his head, Voldemort yelled, "ENOUGH!"

At the sudden sound, the headmaster ran at full speed out of the clearing and out of sight. "What did ya do that for?" asked Hagrid angrily. "Do you know how hard it is to spot a wild headmaster of Hogwarts?"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! I CAME HERE TO KILL HARRY POTTER, AND THAT'S WHAT I PLAN TO DO!"

Harry looked taken aback at the outburst, not at all concerned that the mysterious man wanted to kill him. "Short temper, but you can never tell. It's always the nice ones that loose it." The other students nodded in agreement.

Voldemort stood there looking at them, his mouth slightly open and drooling a little bit. _They can't possibly be **that** stupid, can they?_

_Must be some new old people trend, drooling, _thought Harry sadly.

Voldemort snapped out of it and wiped his wet chin. "Harry Potter! I challenge you to a d—"

author hits computer "Sorry about that folks, just some technical difficulties. Now, BACK TO THE STORY!"

"—ance off! You can choose two people to be your partners, whoever loses, dies!" Voldemort snapped his finger and two surprised looking people appeared on either side of him. One, Lucius Malfoy, was in a towel with wet, sopping hair. The other, Bellatrix Lesstrange, was picking her nose. Looking incredibly startled, she pulled her finger out of her oddly shaped nose, and wiped it on her black robes.

"Um," said Lucius. "Where am I? One minute I was taking a shower, and now I'm here... Draco, is that you?" A young, sexy man, with silky blonde hair, and steel eyes nodded his head at his father, causing a lock of hair to fall onto his face. This made him look even sexier. (Author: smirks "Oh, sorry about that!" giggles then continues writing)

"Ah, Lucius, thank you for joining us, here are some clothes." Voldemort swished his long wand and leather pants appeared on his lower half, the towel no where to be seen. "Oops, that's for tonight." With another swish, Lucius was in his black robes, his hair dry. "Now, Bellatrix, I would also like to thank you for joining us. I have summoned you both her because you will bo—"

"Sorry to interrupt, but how do you know my name, and who are you?" Bellatrix looked at him curiously.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake! What is wrong with you people? I'm not even going to try and explain this to you any more… just go with the flow, okay?" Everyone nodded. "Good, okay, so there's going to be a dance off between me and Harry here, I chose you two to be my partners. Now first, where is that DJ?"

A small pop could be heard, and everyone turned to see Snape standing there with a turn table. "Sorry I'm late everyone!" He called happily. "I was watching Hello Kitty, wonderful show, really, and I lost track of the time." He smiled and stepped behind the turn table that was decorated with Hello Kitty stickers, as well as pictures that were stuck there of really disgusting things, like Dumbledore dancing around naked. (Author: You should really see Potter Puppet Pals, it's hilarious…)

Students started filing in from all direction; they even fell from the tree tops (with some injuries occurring from that) and popping up from the ground. Apparently they had found out about the current situation from Dumbledore who had found his way back to the school.

Voldemort nodded at Snape, then swished his wand yet again. A dance floor appeared, along with a disco ball and some different colored spot lights. "Now, let's get this dance off started. Harry, who have you chosen to be your partners?"

Harry looked around. His eyes landed on the sexy Draco, his pale skin um, pale, and sexy like! "Draco."

The blonde was a little taken aback at first, but quickly accepted the invitation. _I just LOVE dance offs! _He thought joyfully.

Harry continued looking for his second partner. Ron wouldn't do, he sucked monkey paws, and Hermione was a girl, c'mon, how lame was that? (Author: stops typing "Wait, I'm a girl… shrugs shoulders on with the story!") "Could I summon someone?"

"Well, I guess, after all, I did," replied Voldemort, being fair for once.

Harry swished his wand and Hedwig appeared. "You chose an _owl_?" asked That-One-Guy-Who-Was-Challenging-Harry-To-Some-Stupid-Dance-Off.

"Yeah," said Harry, "I taught her some pretty cool moves, just in case I ever had some weirdo who said he knew me and wanted to kill me challenged me to a dance off to the death. I had a lot of time at the Dursley's you know…"

Voldemort nodded his head knowingly. "Well, we can't stand around all day! Let's DANCE!"

Snape threw on his shades (they went really well with his Bling Bling) and started up "Song for the Lonely" by Cher.

"How the hell are we supposed to dance to this?" yelled Draco, trying to be heard over the blaring noise of _'There's only one way up, so your hearts gotta go there!'_

Voldemort seemed to be thinking the same thing, because he walked up to Snape and hit him upside the head with a just conjured Witch Weekly. "What kind of muggle crap was that?"

"Yo dawg, I don't know who you think you are, but nobody, and I mean NOBODY, disses Cher!" Snape pushed the dark lord's shoulder.

"Fine… just put on some GOOD music. How about some Chingy, he's one coo playa!"

"No prob my homie." Voldemort walked back over to stand in between of Lucius and Bellatrix, while Snape put on another song. The music started and everyone started whooping as "Go DJ" started ringing throughout the clearing. "Hey gangstas!" yelled Snape. Cheering got louder. "Snape in da house!"

Everyone started singing, "Go DJ! That's my DJ!" with the song.

Voldemort and his two cronies walked onto the multi-colored floor. They all crossed their arms, and nodded their heads to the song while looking at Harry, their eyes narrowed. The next thing everyone knew, the three were shuffling to the right, then the left. They stuck out their butts shook them violently while turning around in a circle.

Hedwig looked nauseous as she watched their butts, and tried to shake out the vision of Lucius's tight little bum out of her mind. They stopped the fierce shaking when they were again facing Harry. Without a second thought, The-Evil-Madman-That-Nobody-Knew and his minions robes were thrown off. The young crowd, not including Hagrid, screamed and shielded their eyes, then realizing that they had clothes on, sighed in relief. Hagrid just looked disappointed.

Voldemort was wearing really baggy pants that went down to his shins and eight super long shirts, the top one saying PIMP in big bold letters. He was holding his crotch and waving his free hang around like he was having some sort of seizure.

Lucius and his cousin Bellatrix were wearing matching outfits: really tight jeans (not a good look for either of them, mind you), and really sluty shirts that said HO #1 for Lucius and HO #2 for Bellatrix. They had their legs spread, their hips moving backwards and forwards with amazing speed, and their arms up in the air, shaking them just as fast. It looked like something from Hollywood, gone wrong.

Pimp went sliding on his knees, leaving his size 56 Wide pants lying on the ground where he had been standing. He slid up to Harry, his arms crossed, and his Ho #1 and Ho #2 came up on either side on their hands and knees. Bellatrix was showing way too much cleavage, and Lucius wasn't showing enough.

As the music faded out, the sound of Neville puking could be heard. Finally, after the students got over their complete and utter disgust, a good amount of applause broke out.

The-Guy-Who-Wasn't-Wearing-Any-Pants smirked.

Harry shook his head bored. "Is that all you've got? I could do better than that while brewing the Felix Felicis! Step back foo and let me show you how it's really done!"

The-Very-Pale-Guy-With-No-Pants and those other two people strutted off the stage, and Harry, Draco, and Hedwig stepped on. "Hit it Snape!"

"You got it Lil' Man!" 'Lean Back' started blaring through the speakers. "Everybody, lets give it up fo' Harry, Draco, and Harry's owl Hedwig!" The school screamed and shouts of "I know him!" could be heard.

Harry started some very fancy footwork, Draco and Hedwig, dancing on her cute French manicured talons, following his lead. Draco and Hedwig stepped back, and started doing the sprinkler. The Boy Who Lived 'fancy footworked' to the center of the stage where he did an 'Air Swipe.' His hands were on the ground and his feet went swinging. When he landed back on his feet, the crowd was cheering, "Guy I know! Guy I know!" repeatedly.

It was Hedwig's turn for the red colored spotlight. She hobbled out and started spinning on her head. "Yo," yelled gangsta Snape, "dat nigga is tiiiiight!" The white owl hooted and let the sexy Draco have his turn at humiliating The-Really-Ugly-Guy.

With his blonde hair slicked back, Draco began to twirl on his back. His sexiness radiated off of him. When he stopped spinning, his hair was still perfect. He was lying on his side, his head on his hand.

Voldemort knew he had lost, but he knew somebody would just HAVE to rub it in. Pansy walked up to him and said in a childish manner, "Ha ha ha ha ha, you lose!" With that said, she walked away smirking, heading back towards the castle. Everyone stared after her for a few minutes.

"Well, now that that little twerp has humiliated me because that sexy guy, Lucius, isn't he your son?" Lucius nodded. "And that owl and his boy beat me, humph, I guess I'll be dying now!" Voldemort waved and then grabbed his chest, and fell with a sickening squeak to the floor.

"I think he just had a heart attack," said Hermione, while Bellatrix started kicking You-Don't-Know-Who's body.

"Really was an ugly bugger, wasn't he?"

"Yes Ron," said Hermione. "But that doesn't matter now. There is a dead body on school property, what are we going to do with it?"

"Why burry him of course!" Dumbledore came out from between a group of short little first years; how he hid there… the wizarding world has yet to find out. He was still carrying a shovel, and looked exceedingly happy. "I call grave digger!"

"I call weeping widow!" yelled Lavender. She immediately burst into tears.

"I call Draco's boyfriend!" The clearing became silent at Harry's part choice.

"Sure, I have a thing for scars."

With that, Dumbledore started frantically digging, Lavender continued frantically crying, and Harry and Draco began frantically snogging in a nearby headmaster den. It must have been Dumbledore's, because there were socks scattered everywhere.

After the hole had been dug, and people were getting ready to dump Once-Ugly-Guy-Now-Ugly-Corpse into the grave, a motor home with Minnesota license plates came barreling through the trees and came to a stop in the clearing. A guy with sun block on his nose, a lady in a yellow bikini, and a Labrador Retriever came tumbling out. "Hey," said the guy cheerfully as he waved. "My wife and I were wondering how to get to Hawaii; we seemed to have gotten some wrong directions from a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer and ended up here. Where is here anyway?"

"United Kingdom," said Lucius.

"Oh my, we are off track," said the muggle. "Hey, is that a corpse."

"Yeah," replied Ron nonchalantly. "He challenged Harry," he pointed to the snogging pair, "to a dance off to the death and lost."

The wife nodded knowingly while the husband started playing fetch with the dog. "I have an idea!" screamed the wife loudly. "We have lots of food, how about we share it with you and have a party?"

"That sounds great!" screamed Ron just as loudly. He would never turn down food.

They pushed The-Ugly-Dead-Guy into his grave. They then filled in the hole, and wrote on the mound of dirt: '_Here lies some ugly guy who died.'_ Then they all sat down to tables similar to the tables in the Great Hall that were conjured up by Flitwik, much to the surprise of the American muggles. There was food galore! But the best part was the cake. It was sunny yellow and had little pink flowers on it and said _'Happy Birthday Alice!' _in big purple, flowy handwriting. Nobody knew who Alice was (not even the muggles, who had stolen it from a little man who couldn't speak English when they had stopped for directions in Russia) and nobody really cared. After the feast, the muggles, now known as Billy Bob, Billy Jean and Bob Jean(the dog), got into their mobile home and headed for Taiwan (not Hawaii) because of some faulty directions from Dumbledore.

With that, everyone, except Harry and Draco, who were taking their parts WAY too seriously, went back up to the castle to get packed for their field trip to Chad.

**THE END!**


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